Connection Seeking, Not Attention Seeking
After nearly a decade as a clinical therapist working with clients aged 5 to 95, I’ve seen clearly that what we often label “attention-seeking” behavior is far more common and human than we realize.
“Attention-seeking” can include interrupting conversations, talking loudly, using “baby talk” that doesn’t match someone’s age, lying, ignoring rules, picking fights, clinging to others, making awkward jokes, or putting themselves down. These behaviors are common in kids, but they also occur in adults navigating breakups, job loss, aging, or loneliness.
So why do we respond to these behaviors with annoyance or judgment? Maybe it’s time to reconsider the label.
Try this: swap the word “attention” with “connection.” Suddenly, it makes more sense. Most so-called “attention-seeking” behavior is someone reaching out for a connection. And once we see it that way, our response can shift from irritation to empathy.
Human beings are wired for connection. It’s not optional; it’s essential. In a world where social and emotional connections are more complex, people often reach out clumsily or uncomfortably. They’re not trying to manipulate or disrupt; they’re trying to be seen, heard, and valued.
So next time you encounter someone acting out, take a pause. Ask yourself: What if this person isn’t being difficult? What if they’re just asking for a connection?
Here’s how you can offer it:
Listen with your full attention. Put down the phone. Make eye contact.
Ask questions. Show interest in their thoughts and feelings.
Offer a compliment or kind word. It doesn’t have to be big—just genuine.
Engage in a shared activity. Even a few minutes can go a long way.
Lead with empathy. Assume good intent.
Let’s flip the script. If we treat attention-seeking as connection-seeking, we create more space for compassion, understanding, and ultimately, real connection. And that’s the kind of world worth building.
Next time someone’s behavior feels “too much,” try this: pause, reframe, and connect. One small act of empathy could be exactly what they need and more powerful than you think.
